Why We Are Really Dying From Addiction

Want the raw truth? Here it is:

Trauma is the Cause of Addiction

This has been a debate with lots of folks for a while now. Let me tell you this:

It is 1000% true. Why?

Because trauma is what the body PERCEIVES as traumatic. The addiction is the side effect of trying to manage the pain that trauma has had on the body mind and spirit. For those folks out there that claim nothing traumatic has happened to them and they are still struggling with substance use, let me say this again. Trauma is what the body perceives to be traumatic. The brain doesn’t always recognize this in its memory often times because it is to painful. This does not mean the trauma hasn’t happened. Unless we have developed programs that address releasing the trauma from the body specifically through movement and mindfulness we will not heal anyone. We simply can’t treat addiction with a medical model or just the program of the 12 step model.

The 12 Step Model as a Program Does not Work Anymore

Hear me clearly here. I am not 100% against the 12 step model, or meetings or the big book but I do think at this point in time they are doing more harm then good. When people leave rehab (including myself) you are told to go to a meeting, get a sponsor, call someone. You are given the book. Going to meetings are great but they are not the answer. Not by a long shot. What happens in between the meetings? What happens before we get someone on the phone? How do we mange the exact moment we want to use? That exact moment?

If you look at addiction as it relates to trauma, the body mind and spirit need to be healed from the inside out. We need internal locust of control with external supports. How you ask? Simple. Mindfulness. It needs to be the #1 method of tools we teach before anything else if we really want to change the course of action of the current path of addiction.

I am aware the program has a spiritual component and meditation component but it’s not even close to enough. It needs to be the foundation of healing. The thing that meetings are perfect for is connection. However, what’s happening is that people are being told things like” If you don’t go to meetings you will relapse”. People also get blamed for not going to meetings and are accused of not participating in their recovery. That is simply not true. In fact in my case it’s complete bullshit. When I work with folks in rehab and ask them why they think they relapsed the first thing out of their mouth is “I walked away from the program” (going to meetings and doing 12 step work)

My response is always the same. “No, you walked away from you.”

We Keep Feeding the Victim Role

The way addiction is currently talked about as the disease model feeds the victim and doesn’t put the power back in the hands of the addict. Addiction is not cancer. There is some control here. Sounds crazy I know but you can have an addiction which becomes a disease of the brain but you do have some control over weather or not you pick up a substance to feed that addiction. I wouldn’t say that is true for a disease such as cancer. Addiction is a disease of the unhealed mind body and spirit that continues to be in pain due to trauma. If we want to heal addiction we need to assist people in managing the symptoms which we can control that start in the mind which simply put are just thoughts. The body has a reaction to those thoughts which can be called a trigger (I can’t stand the word) which then allows for a physical reaction to be present. Whatever we are assigning meaning to as a trigger just lets us indulge in the feeling that often lead to a behavior. It comes down to awareness of the body. This is where using a mindfulness based approach as the only method to healing is at this time the only option if we want to save lives.

We (addicts) are taught more often then not that we don’t have control. We are told if we don’t go to meetings for the rest of our lives we will relapse and die. We are told if we don’t do the 12 steps we won’t be free. There is no empowerment in any of that. There is a way to teach how to have empowerment and that you do have control over certain things within the disease model. It is okay to take responsibility for your self, your addiction and your disease if you choose to look at it that way. We need to empower people to do the actual emotional work that is required to heal and empower that healing with no apologies and no god damn excuses. Make amends to yourself first. No apologies needed after that unless you fully have found self love that drives the way you live making yourself the priority. We need to be fully grounded before go and apologize for something we did under a controlled substance. Taking responsibility and changing behavior is where it’s at. We need to teach people how to take their power back and get out of the victim role.

There is so much talk about stigma as being such a huge problem with addiction. Why? Who are we referring to? The outside world that has misconceptions of the person with addiction or the internalized stigma of what we think about ourselves as addicts? Do you know what I have to say about that? Fuck what other people think and get busy loving yourself. It is our responsibility to take ownership of who we are and who we want to be and act accordingly. The stigma of addiction should never be the reason someone takes their own life. EVER. This isn’t being taught however in treatment programs. As I said before we need to teach a locust of control from the inside out first and then the rest is external supports, not the other way around.

Mindfulness, Movement, Connection and Laughter is the Answer.

No one needs to die from addiction. NO ONE. We can’t “treat” addiction if we have it but we can heal ourselves emotionally and teach ourselves how to manage it through movement and mindfulness.

Yes I said laughter as part of the answer. If we don’t have humor and normalize some of this stuff including relapse we will never live a full life. Laughing is connection which does heal the mind body and nourishes the soul. Movement releases what trauma is stuck in the body. Yoga in particular saved my life as I learned to control my thoughts and heal my mind body and spirit through breath, meditation and movement. I do not attend AA meetings and participate fully in my recovery every minute, moment, and second of the day.

Relapse doesn’t need to be a part of the process, but if it is and we survived then more reason to be grateful and just move the fuck on. Not everyone gets that chance. So if you do, celebrate like crazy and get your sober on. Have a dance party about it.

I am aware some of what I said is controversial and you may disagree. I ask you to just sit with this and explore your reaction. We can all co-exist peacefully and lovingly with different opinions but only if we fully love ourselves first so we can really listen to others.

We all deserve to live a healthy full life. Choose you. You are fucking worth it.

If you would like more specific methods of how to address these issues on a deeper level I invite you on my journey. The model has been created and the studio is up and running. For more information go to http://www.bfreewell.com

About the writer: Ayanna Parrent, LICSW, RYT is the Founder and Owner of B FREE Coaching and Wellness in Harwich Massachusetts. She is committed to healing anyone, especially those with a substance abuse addictiohttps://bfreewell.wordpress.com/2019/11/06/why-we-are-really-dying-from-addiction/n though movement mindfulness and fun. If you are interested in more information or are struggling you can reach Ayanna at 508-418-8504 or info@bfreewell.com

We Did Good, Love Always Remains

My husband, Jason and I have ended our partnership in marriage. This September we would’ve celebrated 10 years. This is not a story of ugly, or bad, but of change, growth and love.

People change. Life changes us. When something ends we often go to the ”why” or the extreme pain of the ending. Don’t get me wrong this is painful- but not for the reasons you might think. My childhood trauma has surrounded change- the scary kind when you don’t know if the adults in your life are safe or ever coming back. This ending gets that little child in a whole lot of fear and pain.

My adult self, now integrated more then ever, knows this was the choice that had to happen for both of us to continue to live our lives in a way that felt good, and supported both of our growth on this earth. That is love.

Jason was there when my addiction was heavy, and his steadiness carried me in many ways. He is the best dad that I know. I am the mother of my two step sons and that will never ever change.

Blessing is sad. We all are but she was able to make these precious comments

“Mom, you and dad were fighting a lot, maybe you will be happier now” and ”Can I paint my room purple in your new place?” and ”Does this mean I get a phone?” She’s the ultimate best being on this planet.

I’ve walked around the world with heavy bricks on my body through my addiction and slowly in the past five years have been able to finally lay them down one by one.

The beauty of this is as we both heal, our friendship will get stronger and we will in many ways remain the flamily we started with tons of love, laughs and courage. This is a love story that just changed shapes and moved in a different direction. Not good or bad, just love, process, change and growth.

Love you Jason,

Ayanna

From Homeless to Freedom

Ayanna & Caitlin

“What kind of drugs did you use?” I asked. “ALL of them” she replied, “Heroin, meth, cocaine, you name it, I was an IV drug user for years. I was homeless on and off for about 10 years”.

Caitlin was able to string together a full year of sobriety for the first time this July 2021. We had a big celebration at the studio Bfreewell.com as part of our refuge recovery weekly meetings. Refugerecovery.org.

When I asked Caitlin what the thought contributed to her recent ability to stay sober she stated “This community, you and collective healing. Ive never experienced the power of that before.”

When I first met Caitlin she was quiet, calm, was grounded and had some inner knowledge of herself. She also had some constant questioning of herself that would seep out of her with no words, just an energy of longing. She is tall, thin and quite beautiful, although she would never describe herself like that. She has the most precious smile and gentle laugh that warms your heart but at the same time leaves you wondering what happened.

She came to my coaching training as a recommendation from a wonderful colleague and mentor from Recovery Without Walls. ”I am not sure she will remain sober but she needs women, and she needs you”, Bill said as he talked about her with a deep fear in his eye.

Caitlin’s story is like so many of us who try to fill our hearts with anything but ourselves. She was assaulted at the age of 14 which changed her life forever. ”I would put everything in my body to feel anything but myself”, she said as she reflected on the moments of what contributed to her addiction.

As time went on Caitlin opened up more, used her voice, asked really thoughtful questions and got brave enough to challenge herself to feel ok in her own skin. Watching her try to free dance was like watching a stick figure gently sway in the wind. It was stiff and rough but with the best intentions to make a change this time.

“Overdose deaths in the U.S exceeded 100,000 for the first time in the year long period ending in April 2021. The figure is more than the death toll of car accidents and guns combined.” -NY Times 11/17/21

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/14/health/overdose-deaths-fentanyl-opiods-coronaviurs-pandemic.html

Anyone who is sober, but especially those who remained sober during this pandemic, is a miracle.

If you spend time with Caitlin now and watch her move about the world today it is hard to picture her homeless, living on the streets or putting a needle in her arm. When she was able to celebrate her one year anniversary at my studio I have never cried harder. I could barely speak as I gave her my one day chip from Alcoholics Anonymous to remind her that we always have this day because we woke up, alive. The journey it took for her to walk on her own and fight through an incredible struggle was a gift to watch. I couldn’t be more proud, I don’t even have the sophisticated words to tell you in this blog other than I am grateful.

Here is what is true about Caitlin:

She is one of the most patient people I know

She shares your struggle as if its her own

She understands, she really does

She is fucking efficient

She is grounded but doesn’t fully know it yet

She will one day be in radical love with herself and I can’t wait

Caitlin is the current program and studio director for B FREE Wellness Inc. a Non Profit organization that I founded that transforms people’s lives through providing affordable and free wellness and mental health programs to those whose lives have been affected by trauma, addiction and oppression.

The next time you chose to adopt any stigma or judgement of an addict, drug addict or “junkie” think again. I invite you to bring the vision of Caitlin and myself laughing at staff meetings, getting stuff done and making other people’s lives better by being the example of recovery.

We do recover

As always, if you are struggling come fine me, come find us. You belong, you are worthy, we will heal together.

All my love, Ayanna xxooo

The Ugly of Letting Go

#itmightnotbesougly

It was time. I had been holding this thing that made me feel so ugly for so long. A lot of addiction is ugly but this one made me feel especially ugly, gross, like I was hiding a dirty secret. My brother asked me recently how much I actually remembered from that time and unfortunately the answer is too much.

I drove drunk with my beautiful 4 year old daughter in the car. It took me four and half years to be able to say that out loud or write about it or allow myself to look at it, witness it or even acknowledge it. I know I am not the only one and so I write this for you too. This is the nature of addiction.

I recently joined the staff team at We are The Luckiest Club led by one of my favorite people in the world, Laura McKowen. We had an amazing staff retreat and participated in a beautiful experience led by Jim Zartman who stated ” Information is not transformation” and so we transformed.

He outlined for us the importance of With Energy, Belonging and Being Blessed. So we Blessed each other.

We told each other what we saw about one another that made their existence on this earth important. We honored one another with and for each other. We allowed the permission and the space to belong to ourselves, the world as friends and colleagues.

As I did this, I realized I had to let go of some heavy shit in order to make space for this beautiful clearing with this group in order to really be with them and with myself. I spoke right to Laura as I honored her for writing about being in addiction and in front of her daughter too, who was the same age as mine. When I first heard that story, I was driving in my car ironically, listening to her first chapter of We Are The Luckiest, and pulled over and sobbed one year ago today. I didn’t leg go or forgive myself in that moment but it allowed me to cry about it and to acknowledge it for the first time.

I wasn’t fully able to forgive myself until last weekend at that retreat. I had nightmares and still do about putting my daughter and myself in dangerous places that essentially could have killed us both. I chose to have my daughter before I chose myself which ended up contributing to more drinking instead of healing.

I choose me now all the fucking time which lets her know I love her more then anything. I am not sorry. I removed that language from my vocabulary four and a half years ago. I know I did shit that was hard to watch. I know I hurt people. I spend that sorry energy filling myself up with healing so that I remain sober for those around me who love me and cheer for me and need me to keep writing things like this.

For me, changed actions, honesty, brutal honesty, telling the truth and looking ugly in the eye is how I make amends- but to myself first.

I am still moving through all the parts of forgiveness for my myself and my family and welcome all the shapes that will take in the years to come.

Thank you for reading and witnessing this moment of letting go. I love you and as always if you are struggling come find me- I am here.

Ayanna xxoooo

Money Mindset & 3 Ways of Being

You can break money down in lots of ways and make it complicated or you can simplify it and understand that it is just an energy exchange.  Trust me- I am speaking from someone who lived in homeless shelters with my mother at times and saw things in poverty that I would rather forget.  As a pre-teen I was moved from Cambridge to Newton.  Not as poor but not nearly close to as rich as my peers.  I got made fun of, called names and my self worth was in question because my clothes were clearly purchased from yard sales.

We can spend time making meaning of it and attaching it to our childhoods and what we are worth of or we can shift our thoughts all together.  Want to know how?

Here are three simple things to try:

Understand It Is A Mindset 

What is in your mindset about money?  Take an inventory and see what comes up.  How do you feel about it?  How much are you attached to it?  What does it mean for you?  Now forget all that, wipe it out and DECIDE how you would like to create your own mindset around money and start from there.  You create how you think about it.  If it’s not positive, boyant, abundant and possible, get shifting that mindset real quick and change your thoughts.

It Is Abundance Not Lack

Think about it as beautiful abundant energy that is around you all the time that you deserve more than anyone else.    If you focus on the lack, that is what you will get.  If you focus on the abundance, that is what you will get.  There is a really big trick here however.  This doesn’t work if you don’t have complete 100 %faith in yourself and the universe to co-create abundance with you and for you.  If you are still stuck somewhere that you may not be worthy of a shit ton of money or even just more than you have now, do know, the thoughts in your head speak louder than words.

Manifest It Up!

Release all fear and doubt about what you are capable of manifesting for yourself.  When my husband and I found our dream house it initially fell through.  Someone else made a higher offer and we already offered higher then we could afford.  I held on tight and knew it was our house.  I drove by it every day, talked to it, spoke to it like it was already mine.  My daughter and I drove by and waved and talked about stories of what we were doing in the house.  We talked about how it smelled when I was cooking and she was playing in the yard.  We did that every day for two weeks and said we loved it and couldn’t wait to be closer.  We didn’t put any expectations on it, just whenever it was ready for us, we would be ready for it.  (Despite the fact that our other house had an offer on it- a really good one we couldn’t pass up and we may have nowhere to live shortly) Then the call came.  The other offer fell through and the house was ours.  

If I had attached myself to the worth of living in a homeless shelter I would never have been able to believe with my  whole heart that I deserve the house I am living in now.  I am writing this blog in my outside office that I dreamed about since laying eyes on this house.   You create the life you want.  You are the designer of your life.

Biggest Tip #1: 

HAVE FAITH.  I can’t say that enough.  There were times when I first started my business that things would get scary and I was wondering what the fuck I was doing and why.  Business expenses are no joke.  For me I know that worry only creates more worry and can get in the way of positive money mindset sometimes before you can stop it.   Remember, you control your thoughts.  The second I would release any smidgen of doubt that may have been in there, things would shift.  Increase in coaching clients would roll in, classes would get super busy or someone would ask how do they invest in my mission.   It takes your whole mind and body to have faith so get with it!

Biggest Tip #2:  

GET REAL FUCKIN GRATEFUL.  Even if you get the slightest amount of money that you were hoping for say THANK YOU!  Every night before I go to bed I make a list of things that I am grateful for, that were brought to me that day.  Abundance doesn’t always just come in green paper called money-it can look like new opportunities, someone that loves you who leads you down the best path for yourself, or just finding a shiny coin on your doorstep.  Was it meant for you?  You get to decide.  When we stay grateful, we stay humble and in love with what’s possible.  Be in what it feels like to have abundance and go get the fuck after it.

Final Tid Bit: I always see the number 11 11 in many forms at different times.  The month before I found my house I saw it every single day.  On my phone, in the car, on the bedroom clock etc.  I took pictures because it was wild and almost unbelievable.   The number of my house is 111.  Imagine that.

 

Top 3 Ways to Release Emotions

When I was first getting sober and removing the one coping mechanism I knew to be true at the time, my mind and body was freaking the fuck out.  All the emotions came in waves, in tidal waves, in moments, in days and weeks all that felt like forever.  It sucked.  I wanted to throw up.  I didn’t.  What I did instead was get on my yoga mat and feel through what I needed to and began to release the yuck and let in the love.  Here’s how:

Step 1. Acceptance & Love

I quickly learned emotions were like little children.  Particularly the developmental stages of your inner child that never got what it needed.  I began to respond to my emotions that way and treat them like a child that I loved all while knowing the child was me.  In order to do that I had to fully accept whatever was happening in the moment and let it be.  There was no wishing it away, or wishing it wasn’t there or stuffing it down.   Once I accepted it without wishing it was different,  it gave it some space for it to start to lighten just by being recognized without judgement.

Step 2. Separate & Detach

Watch your language with thoughts and emotions.  Emotions are just thoughts- it is us that makes meaning of them.  Read that again.  Detach and separate the thoughts using your breath.  Look a them as separate from you, not who you are.  “I have sadness right now” is very different then “I am sad”.   Stating you are sad can turn into I am sad today, tomorrow, forever until I have convinced myself I have clinical depression.   I am not discounting depression, but I am saying let’s not create something that isn’t there all the time.  It’s up to us if we let that emotion become who we are or not. We are in control of our emotions, they don’t control us.

Step 3. Get Jiggy With IT! AKA Move Your Body

In order to do this you need to do it with intention, purpose and permission.  What I mean by that is if you are releasing sadness for example, dance, feel it, cry it, let it move through you while you allow your body to release it.  Give yourself permission to release the emotion and let it know you don’t need it anymore and then dance it away.  Literally.  Be intentional and specific about what you want to release.  Yoga is a beautiful way to honor your emotions, validate them and release them.  Do whatever works for you.  Walking, running, dancing, hang upside down etc. wrap some joy around the movement and watch what starts to happen.

A Tip About Anxiety:

It is just information for the mind and body.  It’s like an alarm alerting you to take action to heal yourself in some way.  Anxiety is trying to get you to step 1 desperately hoping you will get to step 3.  It’s communication and information that something needs to shift and there is a need that isn’t being met.  Typically it has to do with fear and whatever is underneath the anxiety.  What do you do? Step 1-3.  The answers are there, don’t forget to use your breath while moving towards the fear.  Your breath will always hold space for you to be what you need for yourself.

You are in control of your emotions.  They don’t control you.  Love them right the fuck up and be thankful for whatever gift they are giving you and whatever lesson you have been blessed to learn. Emotions don’t stick around, they are fluid,  nothing is permanent.

As always if you are really struggling and need help come find me.  I am here to witness your higher self until you can access it on your own.  I love you.

Ayanna xxxooo

 

Words for Joe

This is a really tough one.  They are all tough, meaning those of us that die due to addiction, but this one is a bit different.  I always missed him but the opportunity to see him again was always there.  In fact we were in touch just last week hoping to catch up this week.

March 22nd

“Hey just checking on you.  So fuckin proud of you and all that you are doing, and Blessing got so big! Text me so we can catch up.” -Joe

“Hey I miss you! Thank you for saying that.  She is huge and constant.  I have a class this morning but I’ll check in as soon as can.  Stay well, so glad you are not in the clanker for this crisis!”-Me

“I know.  100% hit me up whenever you can and please say safe” -Joe

Here is our story: 

We met in rehab.  We were in every group together.  He was tough, was dealing with a lot and had already been in jail.  I didn’t warm up to him right away but as time went on it was clear this guy had a heart of gold.

When you are in places like this, you get to know people very quickly and you get to see who they really are though the tears, anger, hurt and complete vulnerability.  He certainly was guarded as was I but we trusted each other.  It’s strange the people you find in rehab that you my not be friends with other wise but I sure was lucky to have been able to call him my friend.

There were a lot of laughs during that time.  Some good days and some really horrible days.  Days we would find things out about our families we didn’t want to know about, days full of pain of missing loved ones, days of not knowing what our future held and the fear that brought every day.  Fear if our demons inside were stronger then our hopes. Days we did push up challenges and sometimes I won. (ok he may have let me)

On the bad days he would write me notes always with that smiley face.  I was always so fearful of being able to be a good mom during this time and he was so good at making me feel seen and heard with no judgement.  He met Blessing and always reassured me I had nothing to worry about.

Although he was an incredible human being, he did get caught up in some stuff while in  active addiction that he had to face.  He left rehab to go to court  a week before I left.  We prayed that day together that maybe he wouldn’t get locked up even though I knew he would.  We talked about if that happened how he would stay sober, well enough and hopeful.  That was the last time I saw him.

I wrote to him every chance I could while he was in jail.  It is a really tough place to be especially for those that do have big hearts but will also stand up for anyone.  I tried to tell him he would get through it.  I can’t even imagine what being locked up is like.  I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t have to see it and I hope I never will. He really tried his best to stay positive but no matter what trauma you have endured before you got to prison, what you witness in there in lots of cases can be worse.  I worried every day he was in there that he would die and prayed a lot.

He did get out, and we talked. Unfortunately as addiction would have it, he relapsed and went back not too long after.   I wrote and so did he.

He would call from jail when he could but stopped for a while.  Things just got tough I think.  He really was kind and loving despite what you may be thinking about someone in jail.  The person he was in jail was not him.  I am so grateful I got to witness who he was, and spend the time I did get with him.

He loved a lot of things but I do know he really loved his girl Kylee, her mom and her sister.  He would tell me the story about how they met in Dunkin Doughnuts over and over again.  He talked about how he didn’t want to disappoint her with his past actions and that he knew they would get married one day.

He did get out, and finally I was hopeful we would be able to connect again.  He sounded good.  I was hopeful once this pandemic was over he was going to come see this studio.  I talked all about building a space like B FREE as a dream when I was in rehab and he listened as if it was already built.  I couldn’t wait to show him my dream had come true.

The ironic things is as I was writing the other blog about how essential everyone’s life is right now, particularly those with addiction, he was dying.

This is a tough time for all of us, I know.  I do know that he was in pain and I truly believe he is at peace now.  For that, I am grateful.  I know he will be sending me and Blessing funny signs to make us laugh and to know he is still with us cause that is just what he would do.  That makes me smile.  I loved my friend deeply and always will.

Joe, thank you for being you and for being with me at such a vulnerable time in my life.  You are one of the main reasons I am standing here alive today.  Thank you for helping me see me and being the mirror that I couldn’t see at the time.  My soul thanks you.

Please, if you are struggling with addiction at this time come find me.  I will listen.  We need each other more then ever.

Peace, Ayanna

Liquor Stores Are Essential But So Are You

“There’s an old adage that recovery doesn’t happen in isolation,” said Daniel Rodrigues, associate director of substance use disorder services at Duffy Health Center in Hyannis. “Guess what’s happening now?”

Rodrigues said requests for support with detoxification programs have doubled in the past two weeks, along with engagement in Duffy’s Medication for Addiction Treatment program, which he also oversees.

There also are reports of an increased number of people, including some who have been in sustained recovery for more than a decade, returning to substance use, according to Rodrigues.

-From Cape Cod Times, March 30th 2020

 

REAL TALK. TOUGH LOVE. LISTEN. YOU KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU. LISTEN.

Do not use this time as an excuse to relapse. Honestly. Yes it’s hard, yes it’s different then what we are used to. Yes meetings are online and you can’t physically go to them. I call bullshit. We don’t need to be reaching for the substance to make us feel better. It never made us feel better then and for fuck sake it won’t now,  that’s for sure. If you are convinced that it’s true, if your brain has told you will feel better, you can go tell your addiction to take a hike.

Let me help you understand what’s happening and what you can do about it.

Trigger Warning:

If you buy into the notion of triggers being real things, this for sure is one.   It’s not that I don’t think things can trigger you, its just that it becomes another excuse after a while.  Why did you drink? “I got triggered”.  Its how we respond to the trigger that has everything to do with how we stay sober. 

For those in long term recovery it sure feels like early recovery doesn’t it? Its like you have no grounding, no idea what is going to happen, who would still love you, be there for you and the most vulnerable you have ever felt in your life. Your security blanket and best friend in the world have been ripped from you and you never know if you will see them again. The fear is real. This experience stirs up all those emotions for sure.

What did you do? You went to meetings. 90 in 90, sometimes three times a day or more in the beginning. It’s like you were trying to figure out how to walk all over again, but you couldn’t do it by yourself. Familiar faces helped. People who had been where you were helped. Having a home group and some structure helped. For some, that was useful and it still is for many. For some they have found other ways that feed their recovery that works better for them.

Meetings & Connection 

For some of us meetings have become the only thing that we have convinced ourselves is going to keep us sober. No meetings = relapse. I was told many times if I didn’t attend meetings, do the 12 steps, I was being irresponsible, not participating in my recovery and would relapse. Well here we are, nobody who want to/needs to is able to attend actual meetings. There are of course meetings online but it’s not the same, the human connection feels lost, lots of folks don’t have access to computers and are moments away from being homeless. All of us with substance abuse disorder are always one moment from homelessness, jails, institutions and death. That much is very true. Including me.

We have have developed such a culture of teaching people to be so dependent on attending meetings that some addicts almost can’t function without them. What we need to be teaching instead, is actual coping skills to handle the moment when you want to use, step by step internally and then getting external help.  Internal locus of control with external supports.   If mindfulness techniques are not at the forefront of addiction support we are failing the community completely. Having meditation be only a part of it doesn’t cut it.  Isolation is a real thing and if you can’t teach yourself skills to manage difficult emotions on your own using things such as mantras, self love, meditations, breath work and managing your own thought process, you may always feel isolated in your own mind. If you can do that and go to meetings, use the structure of the 12-Steps, you may have a real fighting chance.

Some folks think the “Opposite of Addiction is Connection”.  Johann Hari wrote a beautiful book and did an amazing TED Talk about it. https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong?language=en If that theory is true- then meetings should work, correct? People should stop overdosing, relapsing and dying? I think for so many, connection is the answer and meetings do work.  But they don’t prevent relapse because connection doesn’t heal internal trauma that ultimately is what makes us feel so isolated, lonely and in pain. Once those things are healed using mindfulness, movement, trauma specific therapy, combined with connection and meetings- then there may be no stopping what we are able to do especially when faced with difficult moments such as Covid -19.

Trauma

Things like a pandemic can most certainly kick up all our childhood trauma or any trauma for that matter. I have not met someone with a substance use issue so far that hasn’t had a history of trauma. That includes my own stays in detox, rehabs and working with them in a variety of different facets. Lets also remember that trauma is something that the brain perceives to be traumatic at the time of the trauma. It’s personal and real. That is not for anyone to dispute.

A situation like this can bring up feelings such as isolation, pain, fear of not getting our needs met, fear that harm will come to us like it did before, loneliness, anger and danger. All these feelings are very real but we must remember, drinking or using has and never will take that away. Trauma is a mind body spirit experience and unless we cater to all three when feeling triggered by our trauma we are at risk of using. Don’t let that be the case for you. Allow your mind body and spirit to become aware of what is actually happening to you in the present moment vs what danger you may be potentially perceiving and you can start to move forward with strength, grace and clarity.

What can help? Things to remember:

Everything is temporary!

Emotions, cravings, triggers and viruses. Don’t let your brain trick you into thinking this won’t pass because it will. Be with the emotions and let them go, believe it or not negative emotions do not like to be with you. It’s us that chooses to have them stick around.  Marinate in that for a bit over some tea. 

Control what you can, hang on tight and let the rest go!

You can control picking up or using. How? You can still pick up the phone. Ask for help. Have a social distance safe meeting with a friend if you must. Take advantage of the incredible recovery options online that can connect you to amazing folks all around the world. If the 12-Steps are something that work for you no better time then now!  Read the Big Book!  (There are great stories in the back) You can’t control a virus or feeling pain from trauma but you can control how you respond to it for yourself and others.  Put your oxygen mask on first.  The world needs you, but take care of yourself first.   Always.

Meditate. Move your Body. Use your breath.

I know I know… you are so tired of me saying this but guess what? If it keeps you alive one more day so be it. I will never ever stop saying it. Breath is life. It is the one thing that you can control that communicates to your body in the present moment that you are safe. That’s why meditation is magic. Meditation allows your mind body and spirit time to reconnect, communicate and heal what you need in order to function as a healthy person in the world. You have complete control over that. Moving your body helps to get the stuck, stale, yucky energy out of your body. Wait, it also raises endorphins too that make you happy which is what you were seeking from using in the first place? Imagine that! Go move your fuckin body.

Here are some of my favorite resources to put in your “no excuse” tool box:

Laura Mckowen is offering incredible online sobriety support meetings. You can find her here, https://www.lauramckowen.com/

Holly Whitaker is an incredible advocate for all things and if you are looking for creative supports that don’t include AA she’s your girl. https://www.hipsobriety.com/about

Traditional Intergroup online meeting schedule https://aa-intergroup.org/directory_audio-video.php

Yoga of 12 Step Recovery. This was one of the best training’s I have ever taken!! Nikki Myers is incredible and has combined meetings with movement and yoga.  The website is here https://y12sr.com/

Wellstrong http://www.wellstrong.org/ is also a wonderful community for people in recovery that offers a variety of supports that combine movement and mindfulness. They are currently offering many zoom meetings during this time.

The Pheonix is an amazing sober active community that gets folks moving! They are offering a variety of virtual options right now during this time. https://thephoenix.org/

Recovery Without Walls http://recoverywithoutwalls.org/ is an incredible support and resource for women. Bill Daugherty is an incredible individual who can make miracles happen.  Watch out he has a lot of tough love too. 

Herren Project offers a variety of online recovery support meetings for groups and individuals. You can find them here:https://herrenproject.org/online-support-groups/

George S. Peterson is a Cape based wonderful dude and yoga teacher. He is offering online support meetings as well. You can find him https://www.georgespeterson.com/ on Facebook http://George S Peterson Meditation.Yoga.Recovery

She Recovers Online Schedule: https://sherecovers.co/ UPDATED ZOOM LINK AND SCHEDULE FOR: SHE RECOVERS® TOGETHER ONLINE ZOOM GATHERINGS: FACILITATED BY SHE RECOVERS® COACHES TUESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY @ 11AM PDT | 2PM EDT | 6PM BST | 7PM CEST EVERY NIGHT @ 5PM PDT | 8PM EDT | 12AM BST | 1AM CESTJOIN ZOOM LINK: https://zoom.us/j/319340491

Meeting ID: 319 340 491SHE RECOVERS® YOGA WITH TARYN STRONG : WEDNESDAYS
@ 11AM PDT | 2PM EDT | 6PM BST | 7PM CEST SHE RECOVERS® DANCE : MONDAYS
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Last but not least, B FREE Coaching and Wellness. The ultimate place where you can Find. Recover. Evolve. and Enjoy. created by yours truly, Ayanna Parrent. We have many options for those in recovery of all things or anyone looking for support, love and a healthy community that loves movement, mindfulness and fun. https://www.bfreewell.com/  

I am fully aware of the reasons liquor stores have been deemed essential during this time.  It would make me nervous too to find out what would happen if we closed them and how many alcoholics might die or flood the hospitals.  That is one of the scariest thoughts about this situation.

I also do believe it has more to do with money but that is a blog for another day. 

What I am completely sure of is you, my friend, are more essential.  Your life truly does matter.  We all have a purpose and gifts to share.  You are needed.  Unfortunately addiction has a great way of telling you just the opposite.  The choice is yours, but think about how much stronger you will be when you get through this sober and are able to help others do the same.  Who are you going to believe, me, or your addiction?  I am stronger then your addiction and so are you.  You just need to believe it.  

As always my friends if you are struggling come find me.  The love is unconditional.  No judgement, just tough love, support and social distance hugs.  I love you. 

 

The Mexican That Mooned Me

The Mexican That Mooned Me

He really did.  He mooned me and anyone else he could.  He called himself “The Mexican” and requested we call him the same.   He had a Cheshire cat smile mixed with charm and evil.  There were girls that tried to sneak into my bed at night, to touch me or to just not feel so alone.   I broke up fights constantly of men twice my size.  The staff were less then interested in separating them or being overly helpful in anyway.  The screams at night were hard to tell if they were real, from someone else or my own nightmares. 

That was the first dual diagnosis detox hospital I was in, and my real introduction to my new sober life.  Talk about fear- I was locked in with these folks.  My behavior wasn’t outrageous, my mental health was somewhat intact aside from extreme depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.  I was also clearly deeply addicted to alcohol with a severe lack of self-love.  Real severe, like nonexistent to the point I didn’t even know what that was.  I was a hollow shell of a human and the folks on this unit were at least making me feel somewhat less crazy.

This place was the only place that had a bed available.  Imagine your worst nightmare that you are locked in literally and figuratively and now times it by 10.  I wasn’t actually scared of the other people but of myself and because I was pretty composed, I got overlooked often.  I met with a social worker maybe twice.  Or anyone really for that matter that was a reasonable adult. 

Why did I go?

 Why didn’t I refuse that bed? 

Why didn’t leave?

 Because I was lucky to be alive and knew I could die if I didn’t get myself some where safe.  It was a god damn fucking miracle I was alive. When the emergency room said they had a bed, I honestly felt relieved but also thought I didn’t deserve it.  With all these things I had done due to my addiction to myself, my family and particularly my daughter I didn’t want to live.  I knew somehow, I needed to try.

Looking back now and telling the story of the Mexican that mooned me often is hilarious.   If there were women trying to still get with me and in my bed at that point well, I must still be somewhat desirable right? 

The first week I got to rehab and out of the detox I can’t tell you how many stories I heard of death.  Unbelievable stories of people that were still alive after overdosing, almost not being revived, being dead and then alive and no one knowing why or how it was possible.  People trying to stick needles in their arms knowing they were most likely going to die but then by some miracle living. 

It took me a while but at some point, I realized I needed to get busy living, or I was going to get busy dying.  The only way to do that was to never ever look back, celebrate each moment for what it was and share my joy with others.  I quickly learned how I looked at everything, shifted everything and choosing to live no matter what that looked like was the only way to live.  There were only a few things that mattered: acceptance, faith, love, the universe and taking care of yourself.  The rest works itself around that including being a mother, wife and business owner. 

When you have lived and seen things worse than this virus you know this is one of those times to stay super grateful for being alive.  Thanking your lucky stars for every breath because someone else might not have that gift very soon.  The universe is waiting for all of us to really recognize that and tune into how important we are for each other and ourselves.

This to shall pass but how we treat each other and love one another will determine the real outcome. What a gift to be able to:

Pray

Live with love

Use our breath to calm our bodies

Be with our children while we can

Laugh

Have enough

Ground ourselves

Move our bodies

Still connect

Rest

Be in the moment

See you on the other side my friends.  Giving your air hugs, kisses and so much love.  As always, if you are struggling please come find me.  I will find a way to get to you.  This goes for you who I haven’t met yet but love completely anyway. 

I want to deeply thank the universe for this pause, this difficult clearing and cleansing.  We as a people have no choice but to choose to live and stop taking things for granted.  For that, I thank you.

Xxxooo Ayanna

Letting The Light In

I was watching her sleep.  I could never tell if she was breathing or not.  I would try to get so close as to not wake her, but just to feel her breath.  I would squint to see if I could somehow see the blanket move with the rise and fall of her chest.  The TV was always left on in the middle of the night to the horrible infomercials, the empty booze bottles displayed across the coffee table. 

Most nights my mother was breathing but it was so sporadic I was afraid if I left her or closed my eyes the breath would get stuck and stop all together.   I prayed if I could breathe with her and maybe for her I could keep her alive one more night.  I was seven years old at the time, the exact age my daughter is now.  I realize now that is the moment I truly learned what fear felt like.  

The first time I saw my mother drunk was at a holiday party when I was 6 years old.  I didn’t know what drunk was, but I remember the more of whatever she drank went in her body the scarier things got.   People had pained looks on their faces and would pat me on the back with hollow sympathy and pitty.  She couldn’t speak after a while and her eyes were barely open.  A cab was called, and we were attempted to be put inside.  It was cold and icy.  She fell, multiple times laughing so hard, but it was not funny. I looked up at the adult who closed the car door as she shook her head and walked away.    This is when I learned that parents and adults don’t always keep you safe, no matter how much they love you.

As I put her to sleep that night and assumed my position, I knew this was they way things were going to be and if I wanted to be with her my job was to keep her alive no matter how painful every night was, no matter how much it felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall.

        ******************************************************************************

In the past two months I have not slept, woke up with nightmares dripping with sweat with difficulty functioning the next day.  My adult body had become what my 7-year-old self was feeling.  That ache in my bones that I talked about was the pain body screaming to be held.  That little girl needed some attention and needed to be heard.  It wasn’t until I was able to get some time and space away in some sunshine that I could finally see and feel what was happening.  Despite having nightmares about my own drinking my body wasn’t reacting to just that.  It wasn’t until I had a dream about my mother last night, clear as day, drunk as hell in my dream that I understood.  The feeling was so familiar and it all began to make sense, at 3:00 am in the morning as I resonated with my inner girl, my adult fear and my alcoholic mother. 

The crack is finally softening through the brick wall and letting some light in.  I promised you more information as a follow up to the first part of this story so here it is:

How did I put all this together you ask? 

1. I Sat With The Pain

The past two months have been excruciatingly uncomfortable.  I was sad, angry, frustrated, and more exhausted than ever before.  Every day I just kept waking up thinking I would feel better, but I didn’t.  I tried to fix it, (Therapy, meditation, yoga, energy healers, etc.) but nothing was working.  I finally stopped wishing it would go away and started to love it as my teacher and vowed to be with it as long as it needed me to.

2. I Chose To Not Pick Up

Real talk here folks.   I am not going to lie.  There were days I just wanted to wash it all away and drink.  The addiction mind tried it’s best to convince me if I just had a drink it would all go away and the pain would soften, and I would feel better.  You know what I said to that?  Fuck you.  Yes, I talk to my addiction because it doesn’t own me and at times like these, I need to put it in its fucking place.  It’s a part of my life but it’s not me.  It is not all of me and most certainly not a part of my highest self which I try to operate in every day.  Every day I wake up, I choose to be sober. I even say it out loud. In the past two months I have had to make the commitment not just in the morning, but in mid mornings, early afternoon, afternoon and sometimes four to five times at night. Best things I ever did during this time.

3. I Trusted The Process and Myself

This was really hard.  At times I questioned myself, became insecure and got real angry at lots of things.  That many nights without sleep can make anyone crazy.   I was having some hormonal issues and other female fun stuff happening but who knows which came first.  My body is so connected to the pain of the past future and present.  We all are.  Once I surrendered to the fact that this was a new process of sobriety, of uncovering new layers of growth, things started to shift. I am not a patient person but damn if this wasn’t a lesson in patience.  The shift to the other side of the light was slow and I had to just trust the universe that just like everything else since I got sober, has been the exact right path at the right time.  This was no different.

A few other things did help of course.  Taking a trip to Florida, being in the sunshine and getting all reikied up was blissful.    As my body began to detox what it needed to, that scared little girl was able to show up and be seen safely.  I have processed a lot but those moments at night had not been one I have revisited.  My inner child was waking me up at night, leading me to the answers to allow me to grow and to fully understand that none of this was my fault. The guilt I was feeling about things I did in my active addiction were haunting me and I couldn’t let it go.  That was so frustrating- you should have seen me talking to myself in the mirror, shaking it out of my body, praying my ass off, burning shit in the fire to release it- you name it, I did it. 

I am so grateful I am strong enough to endure the really hard parts to see the good in myself in order to continue to heal and lead with love.  Giving up is not an option for me and shouldn’t be for you. Sometimes all we need is just some more love in the right places and to be seen and heard. I had to go back and do some mothering of myself which has freed my spirits in more ways then I can describe here.

Keep being tender, love yourself right the fuck up, be brave enough to witness the pain and what needs to be seen. As always, if you are struggling in anyway for any reason, come find me. I will see you an honor what needs to be held.

Trauma And The Brick Wall

“Universe be like..yo, I heard you like growth so I put some

challenges on top of your challenges so you can grow from challenges

while you grow from your growth”

No Joke. Its been hitting me hard for a few months now. Its even seeped into my body and is trying to damage my soul. I get it folks. This is the test. The universe is testing me in all kinds of ways. I have been turned upside down. It is super uncomfortable. I don’t wish this on anyone. Its like the pain is in my bones trying to get out but it just keeps hitting a brick wall.

For you sober folks out there this is when we question if sobriety is worth it. If we can endure the pain without getting rid of it with drugs, alcohol and whatever else we use to numb it out or try to get rid of it in the moment. Trust me, I think about it but what gets me to back the fuck up from reaching for the drink is- that is the exact source of a lot of the trauma right now. All the reasons I was reaching for the drink in the first place are right in my face. I can’t move away from them if I tried. It’s like they are ghosts poking me when I am awake, asleep, when I’m driving and trying not to be overly stressed in front of my kid.

Driving is the worst. The nightmares swirl around the car and I end up in god knows where late to wherever I was supposed to be in the first place. It’s difficult to stop the thoughts right now. How fancy did I think I was being a life coach, opening my own studio, writing a book and managing 3-4 other projects and jobs at the same time? Right, now I feel like I am driving into a brick wall. The land of no where. Ouch.

Are you waiting for me to get to the good news? There must be some right or why else would I be writing this. Hang on its coming, stay with me.

As I recently announced on multiple platforms I reached three years sober. Whooo!!! Yay me!!! Nope, fuck my trauma. It took three years for my mind and body to be able to safely process all the shit that happened to me and that I did as a result of being an unhealed person in the world. The nightmares won’t give up. It’s like my dreams are trying to tell me a story very loudly but it’s taking a while for me to hear the real message. I haven’t had a good night sleep in two months. I do listen to my mind and body which is why relapse is not an option for me. My spirit got grounded even though this feels really yucky and hard right now. I cry all the time out of pain and frustration and exhaustion. Then I laugh cause its pretty funny. My behavior that is when I am so tired and still try to function like a normal person.

So what does one do in this situation? Yoga, meditation, salt caves, massages, reiki, reflexology, energy healing, therapy, trauma work? I have done them all. Hoping and wishing and wanting for all of this to just go away and be better. I am begging for the fix to come so I can move on. I am looking into the future trying to get “better”. Do you see where I am going here? I need to stop doing and just get back to being.

The brick wall is me. It is FEAR. It is False Evidence Appearing Real. Very real. The hard truth is that fear is not real but wow does PTSD and trauma in general sure make it seem real. That is the healing, and that is the work.

The amazing part about this experience so far is that through all of this I can still find joy. I can laugh and enjoy other people and dance and be in the moment. I was never able to do that in my active addiction. I hadn’t met joy yet and now it took the place where wine used to be. Another reason why relapse isn’t an option.

You wan’t the answer? So did I. It wasn’t until I stopped wanting that I began to just be in it and open a crack to the wall that is really ready to heal. This is the raw journey that I am on. The pain is my teacher and I sure am learning. Bringing it back to basics is where I need to lay my head. Forgiveness is harder then I thought when it comes to myself and letting things go. I held on to them for over 20 years and its scary. My body is reacting to the fear so much its even hard to move my body at times. Being with my breath and letting the emotions just release with no expectation of how and when, is where its at. I logically know that but my mind and body are working it out and I love myself for even trying.

Meditation is the only place the nightmares can’t get in. I am grateful for that.

Exciting shit isn’t it! I will keep you posted as this particular journey moves around and about and shifts and changes as it always will. In the end its just growth. The pain is a reminder that I made the right choice in becoming sober and becoming myself. This is me in the truest form. I am not afraid anymore to show it. I invite you to do the same.

As always if you are struggling in anyway please come find me. We will get through this together. Death is not a choice if you don’t make it one. Same goes for relapse- of all kinds. Love heals. Forgiveness heals. Recovering out loud heals. Our only real job is to BE HERE NOW.

All my love, xxxxoooo Ayanna